13 reasons that tell you "you'r married"
1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his w
ife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair?
10
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.
5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his w
ife until he marries her?"Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes
9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair?
10
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.
10 Worst Cartoon Characters of all Time
Tweety BirdYou know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble.
Grape
ApeA real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath covet their neighbors model airplane."
Olive Oyl
Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news.
Petunia
PigRemember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who did they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay.
Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers
What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in a crumby rock band? An awful, and thankfully shortlived, idea.
Pepe L
ePewHello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment? Let's take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's French.
Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats
How weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me tell you something...you're no Fred.
Zan a
nd Jayna, the WondertwinsHow many times do we have to say it? Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this game.
Gazoo, from the Flintstones
It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch. I know! Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test from Hanna Barbara, please?
Scrap
py DooAnd, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.
Bizarre Facts
1. China has close to 25% of the world's population.
2. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.
3. Cows sweat through their noses.
4. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
5. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.
6. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.
7. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.
8. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.
9. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.
10. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
11. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
12. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.
13. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.
14. Did you know that 85.7% of statistics are made up?
15. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
16. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.
17. China was the first country to use paper money.
18. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.
19. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
20. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.
2. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.
3. Cows sweat through their noses.
4. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
5. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.
6. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.
7. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.
8. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.
9. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.
10. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
11. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
12. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.
13. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.
14. Did you know that 85.7% of statistics are made up?
15. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
16. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.
17. China was the first country to use paper money.
18. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.
19. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
20. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.
The Creation of the World
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said:
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air
and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN
FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air
and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN
FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Toilet train your cat
There have been more books and articles about toilet-training your cat than you'd think. In the summer of 1989, when Misha was a small kitten with big ears and enough meow for five cats, I searched out and read a half-dozen of them. And then tried it myself, and discovered there were a couple of things they all failed to mention ...
Some of the advice in those books turned out to be impractical. Some of it was unnecessary. Some of it was quite sensible and worked like a charm. A lot of what works and what doesn't work depends on the individual cat — on her personality and smarts. Here's what worked for me and Misha.
The central idea is that the transition from litter box to toilet be accomplished in a series of stages. You make a small change and then give your cat time to adjust before you make another small change. If at any time Felix gives the whole thing up and pees on the rug instead, you're pushing him too far too fast; back up a stage or two and try again, more slowly.
In the following instructions, I've used the word "rest" to mean: do nothing for a period of between a day and a week, depending on how flappable your cat is. (Misha caught on fast and was completely trained in under two weeks, far in advance of what the books led me to expect.)
The very mos
t important thing to remember is: Lid Up, Seat Down. Post a note on the back of the door or the lid of the toilet if you think you (or your housemates or guests) might forget. (Nowadays, if I have a guest who leaves the lid down, Misha will usually come and ask me to fix it, but you can't expect every cat to go to this much trouble. Besides, he's been using the toilet for more than six years now; when the whole idea was new to him he'd just as soon pee in the bathtub instead.) And if you are accustomed to closing the bathroom door when it's empty, you'll have to break that habit too.
Begin by moving the cat's current litter box from wherever it is to one side of the toilet. Make sure he knows where it is and uses it. Rest. Next put something — a stack of newspapers, a phone book, a cardboard box — under the litter box to raise it, say, about an inch. (Magazines are too slick; you don't want the litter box sliding around and making Felix feel insecure. Tape the litter box down if you need to.) Rest. Get another box or phone book and raise it a little higher. Rest. Continue this process until the bottom of the litter box is level with the top of the toilet seat. (For Misha I raised it about two inches per day.)
At the beginning of this process, your cat could just step into the box; later he began jumping up into it, until at some point he probably started jumping up onto the toilet seat first and stepping into the box from there. You've been diligently keeping the lid up and the seat down, of course, so by now your cat is thoroughly familiar with tromping around on the open toilet.
Lift the seat on your toilet and measure the inside diameter of the top of the bowl at its widest point. Venture forth and buy a metal mixing bowl of that diameter. Do not (I discovered this the hard way) substitute a plastic bowl. A plastic bowl will not support the cat's weight and will bend, dropping into the toilet bowl and spilling litter everywhere, not to mention startling hell out of the cat.
Now you move the litter box over so that it's sitting directly over the toilet seat. (If your cat has shown reluctance over previous changes, you might want to split this into two stages, moving it halfway onto the seat and then fully over.) Take away the stack of phone books or whatever. Rest.
Here's the cool part. Take away the litter box entirely. (Ta da!) Nestle the metal mixing bowl inside the toilet bowl and lower the seat. Fill the bowl with about two inches of litter (all of this is much easier if you have the tiny granules of litter that can be scooped out and flushed).
Naturally, any humans using the toilet at this point will want to remove the metal bowl prior to their own use and replace it afterward. The next week or two the whole process is likely to be something of an annoyance; if you begin to think it's not worth it, just remember that you will never have to clean a litter box again.
cat on toilet, back view
Misha's first attempt without the box. He scored two out of a possible four.
Watch your cat using the bathroom in the metal bowl. Count the number of feet he gets up on the toilet seat (as opposed to down in the bowl of litter). The higher the number, the luckier you are and the easier your job is going to be ...
...because next you have to teach him proper squatting posture. Catch him beg
inning to use the toilet as much of the time as possible and show him where his feet are supposed to go. Just lift them right out of the bowl and place them on the seat (front legs in the middle, hind legs on the outside). If he starts out with three or, heaven forbid, all four feet in the bowl, just get the front two feet out first. Praise him all over the place every time he completes the activity in this position.
(Misha is very doglike in that he craves approval and praise. If your cat is indifferent to this sort of thing, you can also reward him with small food treats and wean him from them later when the toilet behavior has 'set.' Just keep the treats as small and infrequent as possible — half a Pounce or similar treat per occasion should be plenty.)
When he is regularly using the toilet with his front feet out (and some cats naturally start from this position), begin lifting a hind foot out and placing it on the seat outside the front paws. Felix will probably find this awkward at first and try to replace the foot in the litter. Be persistent. Move that foot four times in a row if you have to, until it stays there. Praise and/or treat.
cat on toilet, front view
Misha demonstrates proper squatting posture. Note the look of firm concentration.
Repeat with the other hind foot, until your cat learns to balance in that squat. (There will actually be two different squats, a low one for urine elimination and a high one for bowel movements.) Once he's getting all four feet regularly on the seat, it's all downhill from here.
Which is fortunate, because the last bit is also the most unpleasant. I suggest that you postpone this stage until you have at least a weekend, and preferably several days, when you (or another responsible party) will be at home most of the time. I skipped through this part in about two days; I only hope that your cat allows you to move along that fast.
Begin reducing the litter in the bowl. Go as fast as he'll feel comfortable with, because as the litter decreases, the odor increases. You'll want to be home at this point so that you can praise him and dump out the contents of the bowl immediately after he's finished, to minimize both the smell and the possibility that your cat, in a confused attempt to minimize the smell on his own, tries to cover it up with litter that no longer exists and ends up tracking unpleasantness into the rest of the house.
By the time you're down to a token teaspoonful of litter in the bottom of the bowl, your next-door neighbors will probably be aware of the precise instant your cat has used the toilet. This is as bad as it gets. The next time you rinse out the metal bowl, put a little bit of water in the bottom. Increase the water level each time, just as you decreased the litter level. Remember — if at any point Felix looks nervous enough about the change to give the whole thing up and take his business to the corner behind the door, back up a step or two and try the thing again more slowly.
Once the water in the mixing bowl is a couple of inches deep and your cat is comfortable with the whole thing, you get to perform the last bit of magic. Take the mixing bowl away, leaving the bare toilet. (Lid Up, Seat Down.)
Some of the advice in those books turned out to be impractical. Some of it was unnecessary. Some of it was quite sensible and worked like a charm. A lot of what works and what doesn't work depends on the individual cat — on her personality and smarts. Here's what worked for me and Misha.
The central idea is that the transition from litter box to toilet be accomplished in a series of stages. You make a small change and then give your cat time to adjust before you make another small change. If at any time Felix gives the whole thing up and pees on the rug instead, you're pushing him too far too fast; back up a stage or two and try again, more slowly.
In the following instructions, I've used the word "rest" to mean: do nothing for a period of between a day and a week, depending on how flappable your cat is. (Misha caught on fast and was completely trained in under two weeks, far in advance of what the books led me to expect.)
Ready? First start by training yourself ...
The very mos
t important thing to remember is: Lid Up, Seat Down. Post a note on the back of the door or the lid of the toilet if you think you (or your housemates or guests) might forget. (Nowadays, if I have a guest who leaves the lid down, Misha will usually come and ask me to fix it, but you can't expect every cat to go to this much trouble. Besides, he's been using the toilet for more than six years now; when the whole idea was new to him he'd just as soon pee in the bathtub instead.) And if you are accustomed to closing the bathroom door when it's empty, you'll have to break that habit too.Begin by moving the cat's current litter box from wherever it is to one side of the toilet. Make sure he knows where it is and uses it. Rest. Next put something — a stack of newspapers, a phone book, a cardboard box — under the litter box to raise it, say, about an inch. (Magazines are too slick; you don't want the litter box sliding around and making Felix feel insecure. Tape the litter box down if you need to.) Rest. Get another box or phone book and raise it a little higher. Rest. Continue this process until the bottom of the litter box is level with the top of the toilet seat. (For Misha I raised it about two inches per day.)
At the beginning of this process, your cat could just step into the box; later he began jumping up into it, until at some point he probably started jumping up onto the toilet seat first and stepping into the box from there. You've been diligently keeping the lid up and the seat down, of course, so by now your cat is thoroughly familiar with tromping around on the open toilet.
Lift the seat on your toilet and measure the inside diameter of the top of the bowl at its widest point. Venture forth and buy a metal mixing bowl of that diameter. Do not (I discovered this the hard way) substitute a plastic bowl. A plastic bowl will not support the cat's weight and will bend, dropping into the toilet bowl and spilling litter everywhere, not to mention startling hell out of the cat.
Now you move the litter box over so that it's sitting directly over the toilet seat. (If your cat has shown reluctance over previous changes, you might want to split this into two stages, moving it halfway onto the seat and then fully over.) Take away the stack of phone books or whatever. Rest.
Here's the cool part. Take away the litter box entirely. (Ta da!) Nestle the metal mixing bowl inside the toilet bowl and lower the seat. Fill the bowl with about two inches of litter (all of this is much easier if you have the tiny granules of litter that can be scooped out and flushed).
Naturally, any humans using the toilet at this point will want to remove the metal bowl prior to their own use and replace it afterward. The next week or two the whole process is likely to be something of an annoyance; if you begin to think it's not worth it, just remember that you will never have to clean a litter box again.
cat on toilet, back view
Misha's first attempt without the box. He scored two out of a possible four.
Watch your cat using the bathroom in the metal bowl. Count the number of feet he gets up on the toilet seat (as opposed to down in the bowl of litter). The higher the number, the luckier you are and the easier your job is going to be ...
...because next you have to teach him proper squatting posture. Catch him beg
inning to use the toilet as much of the time as possible and show him where his feet are supposed to go. Just lift them right out of the bowl and place them on the seat (front legs in the middle, hind legs on the outside). If he starts out with three or, heaven forbid, all four feet in the bowl, just get the front two feet out first. Praise him all over the place every time he completes the activity in this position.(Misha is very doglike in that he craves approval and praise. If your cat is indifferent to this sort of thing, you can also reward him with small food treats and wean him from them later when the toilet behavior has 'set.' Just keep the treats as small and infrequent as possible — half a Pounce or similar treat per occasion should be plenty.)
When he is regularly using the toilet with his front feet out (and some cats naturally start from this position), begin lifting a hind foot out and placing it on the seat outside the front paws. Felix will probably find this awkward at first and try to replace the foot in the litter. Be persistent. Move that foot four times in a row if you have to, until it stays there. Praise and/or treat.
cat on toilet, front view
Misha demonstrates proper squatting posture. Note the look of firm concentration.
Repeat with the other hind foot, until your cat learns to balance in that squat. (There will actually be two different squats, a low one for urine elimination and a high one for bowel movements.) Once he's getting all four feet regularly on the seat, it's all downhill from here.
Which is fortunate, because the last bit is also the most unpleasant. I suggest that you postpone this stage until you have at least a weekend, and preferably several days, when you (or another responsible party) will be at home most of the time. I skipped through this part in about two days; I only hope that your cat allows you to move along that fast.
Begin reducing the litter in the bowl. Go as fast as he'll feel comfortable with, because as the litter decreases, the odor increases. You'll want to be home at this point so that you can praise him and dump out the contents of the bowl immediately after he's finished, to minimize both the smell and the possibility that your cat, in a confused attempt to minimize the smell on his own, tries to cover it up with litter that no longer exists and ends up tracking unpleasantness into the rest of the house.
By the time you're down to a token teaspoonful of litter in the bottom of the bowl, your next-door neighbors will probably be aware of the precise instant your cat has used the toilet. This is as bad as it gets. The next time you rinse out the metal bowl, put a little bit of water in the bottom. Increase the water level each time, just as you decreased the litter level. Remember — if at any point Felix looks nervous enough about the change to give the whole thing up and take his business to the corner behind the door, back up a step or two and try the thing again more slowly.
Once the water in the mixing bowl is a couple of inches deep and your cat is comfortable with the whole thing, you get to perform the last bit of magic. Take the mixing bowl away, leaving the bare toilet. (Lid Up, Seat Down.)
Voila! Your cat is now toilet-trained.
thanks to Karawynn Long
Zombie survival game
Try this free online zombie survival game named Boxhead:the rooms
Fight your way through a room full of zombies... arrows key to move, space to shoot, throw 1 to 8 to select weapons
Fight your way through a room full of zombies... arrows key to move, space to shoot, throw 1 to 8 to select weapons
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)